What if I want to be toxic?
“I feel like being bad,” my grandson said before a major meltdown. And when I say major, I mean major. It was after his therapy appointment at Dunkin Donuts. He had chosen the donut shop instead of fifty cents for ice cream at school but now wanted both. I knew we were in trouble when he started kicking the table. He had decided to be bad.
My grandson is the most charming, sweet, sensitive, perceptive and bright young man that you would ever want to meet. People often comment on how well-behaved he is. But he has a shadow side which illustrates the axiom, Pain or (trauma) not transformed is transferred*. His mother, adopted at age 7, came to us already compromised by trauma and made decisions from that place which continued the legacy of trauma for herself and her son. And now, at six, he is violent, sometimes threatening to kill himself and others, and headed for day treatment.
Just a few days ago at an intensive treatment program for women recovering from addiction, a resident asked, “Miss Joy, What if we want to be toxic?”
What indeed? She quickly dismissed the question as silly, but I, just as quickly, maintained that the question had significant, even crucial, implications.
Our program teaches tools for centering, for living from a different place, from our authentic selves, rather than living from the false self accumulated through the wounds, disappointments, betrayals and lies of life. Living from that centered place, produces a kind of contentment, a being at oneness with all of creation, and consequently, our decisions are strong, good and firm, rather than compulsive, aggressive, reactive, or passive. But as one of our participants says, “It only works if you use it.”
Our bag of tools may be overflowing with breathing techniques and methods for being in touch with our authentic selves, but the tools are useless if not pulled out and used in critical moments. And, if we are honest, many times when hooked, triggered, or just feeling plain toxic, the last thing we want is something healthy. “I feel like being bad.” “I don’t care!” Hmm, let’s see, should I have a stick of celery or a Snickers bar?
This question may be even more important than the skills to overcome toxicity, because it goes to the root of the matter: our desire. When we get to the desire level, we often find a mangled mess of writhing snakes. Let’s face it. Sometimes we just want to be miserable and share the misery with those around us. We want to use, to pick up. We want the pity party. We want to stay up reading all night to avoid the real challenges life offers us. We want to hold on to resentment, to punish others and ourselves-and/or escape into oblivion.
Jesus found a man lying by a pool of water who had been crippled for 38 years. He didn’t pull out an empathy routine but pointedly asked, “Do you want to be healed?”
Now, what kind of question is that? Do I want to be healed? Why do you think I am here-in this treatment program, the therapy session, this empowerment group, or reading the latest self-help book? And that’s how the man answered Jesus. “Well, I have no one to help me into the water when it’s stirred.” He avoided the question.
I remember asking my children if their homework was finished. “Well, I did part of my math in study hall and-.” I’d interrupt, “This is a yes/no question. Is or is not your homework finished?” When I pushed the question, the answer invariably was a “No.”
Jesus cut to the quick: “Get up, pick up your bed, and walk.” And the man was healed.
Do you want to be clean? Do you want to be sober? Do you want to be healed of trauma? Do you want to stop inflicting trauma on others? Do you want to leave a self-defeating life behind you? Do you want to be well? Do you want to be a strong, empowered woman?
Many clients often say, “I’m gonna try to . . . .” As soon as I hear try, I know that success will not be forthcoming. There’s no commitment behind it, there is no resounding “Yes!” to the question of Do you want to be healed? I’ve been told that to try is to fail.
I see it in myself, how I decide to move forward with confidence and then that old Shrinking Violet Syndrome sneaks up behind me, and I allow the doubts to creep back in.
What if I want to be toxic? There are many answers, but the very first is to make the decision, when not feeling toxic, that I no longer want to be toxic. What if I want to be toxic? First we must answer: Do I want to be healed, and then shout, “Yes!!!” as loud and as often as we need to, “Yes! Yes! Yes! I want to be healed!” And then, when the toxic tempter comes around, we are not required to entertain the tiniest little whisper, but holler as if our lives depend upon it-which they do–”No! No! No! I do not want to be toxic! I have already decided that I am not going to be toxic. I want to be clean, sober, healed, (or whatever it is!!) The decision has been made and this is not (doubled bolded and double underlined!) open for discussion! Scram! And don’t come back. Period.”
And then we breathe.
Or walk a labyrinth.
Call our sponsor.
Meditate or pray.
Journal.
Whatever practice we have discovered that helps us center and hold to the decision that we have already made.
*STAR program (Seminars in Trauma Awareness & Recovery), Eastern Mennonite University.
Copyright, January 2008, Joy A. Bergfalk. Please use w/ permission.